What are you doing with self discipline?
There are many habits that sound beneficial, but on closer inspection are actually harmful. I put self-discipline into that category.
I grew up thinking it’s one of those skeleton keys to success in life. And from the outside, it may have looked good—you’d see me exercising most days, emptying my inbox of email, sticking to any commitments (happily or not), making sure I got to bed “on time”, avoiding sugary foods. The list goes on.
But I began to notice a few years ago how out of touch I was with my own passion and enthusiasm. The more I obeyed the latest protocol for a disciplined life, the more half-hearted I was in doing everything I was disciplined about—and the more discipline I thought I needed. I even bought a book by a Navy Seal called “Extreme Discipline”, thinking, “if I get up at 4am and force myself through a hundred push ups then there’ll be no stopping me…”. I didn’t ever get up at 4am but I did do enough training to hurt my back.
I got suspicious of what this habit was doing to me and I did what I ask of my clients: Looked into the habit to see what it’s up to. The root of the word is from the latin for “training”. But the intent in the training is to obey a code of conduct under threat of punishment (the word evolved to mean “scourging” in old English). Think about what the phrase “discipline a child” conjures.
With this habit, we treat our own self as a wayward child—conjuring thoughts of unruly behavior that must be corrected. We make it a motivation to improve our errant selves, as in “I need to be disciplined about playing the piano.” Or “I need to be disciplined about what I eat” or “I need to be disciplined about responding to emails”.
If you look into it, don’t you find this motivation altogether absurd? It implies that you’re not to be trusted. That you’re secretly deficient. Left to yourself, you’d somehow fail at life, eat too much fast food and lie on the couch all day.
Is that really true?
Look closely into what you love doing. I don’t mean, “like” doing. I mean love as in invigorating and enlivening for you. Let’s say you love playing the guitar, or you love teaching, or you love solving problems… Pick something you love.
Do you need self-discipline to do what you love?
In embracing self-discipline, while you may produce success on paper, you are training your brain not to love. Not to trust your own wisdom, enthusiasm, desire and intuition. You’re making life an exercise in forcing yourself to look like the person you think you ought to be, rather than being the person you are and expressing that.
I can hear the objection that discipline is a way to stick with an effort even if you don’t enjoy it, for some future benefit. Sounds valid. But I think it’s sophistry—the truth is that if you care about something enough, you’ll make any effort required and you won’t need self-discipline to do it.
As a thought experiment, what if—instead of using self-discipline—you make a habit of attending to what you really want and what you’re passionate about? What if you approach life with that intent instead of the intent to discipline yourself into being a better person?
If you buy what I’m selling, you may discover a paradox. In quitting discipline you may end up doing the same things you were forcing yourself to do. Except now your intent will be wholehearted—think “effortless effort”.
Don’t believe me on this. As I ask of my clients, experiment for yourself. Just for one day, set aside any internal discipline monitor and do as you please. Use as your motivation your own enthusiasm. This is not a license to reenact some hostile teenager in you, but a license to tune into what lights you up. Get acquainted with who you really are.
I think you’ll be surprised at how much you accomplish, and how easy your efforts become. Reply to this email if you want to know more.
To being yourself, not punishing yourself,
Tom