Is your definition of success working for you?
Have you ever scrolled Instagram or LinkedIn only to come away with the unsettling thought that you’re not achieving enough, and that everyone who is “humbled to share” their latest achievement is a reminder that you don’t have one to share?!
When we encounter evidence that we’re not achieving what we think we should be achieving in life, that means we’ve already started to find some deficiency that needs to be rectified. For many people, this “should” thinking leads to making life a project of catching up to a successful version of you.
But does that successful image inspire you to be authentic and enthusiastic, or does it “spur you on”, like a frantic jockey digging the spurs into their horse to scare it into winning a race?
For many people, it’s the latter. And at some point you’ll get tired of spurring yourself on and wonder why you aren’t more motivated. The usual advice is to stop comparing yourself with other people, or to stop competing with the Joneses. Good advice! But I think there’s a more empowering change you can make to produce more ease in life, stability, and enthusiasm.
That change is to root your definition of success in expressing who you are, not in what makes you look good.
“Makes you look good” places your attention on what other people think of you. You can’t really know what they think of you—but you can guess, worry, crave. What makes you look good can also be taken away from you (a job, a title, your physical wellbeing).
“Express who you are” places your attention on self-expression and communication. That’s going to enhance your wellbeing, no matter what life throws at you. And who you are can never be taken away from you.
This is not to denigrate looking good—achievements such as getting promotions, money, awards are all useful. But I see them as insufficient for happiness and an unstable way to live if you root your success in them.
Here’s an example of how changing your definition of success can work: Part of my old definition was being liked by more people. I might not have said that in so many words—and I don’t like the look of it here as I write—but I had the convention in mind. How many likes could I get on Instagram? How many people would like my newsletter? (Picture me excitedly scrolling through all the metrics after each publication). Would my client still like me after a coaching session?
It was a recipe for worry, so I did some work with my own coach. I am a curious, affectionate human. (You probably are too). So I decided to change success from being liked to liking and from being interesting to interested.
What a difference! Instead of cultivating envy and worry, I am cultivating my natural curiosity and affection. My enjoyment of events with people I’ve never met before has gone up and my enjoyment of time with anyone—friends, family, new acquaintances—keeps increasing. I revel in the obvious: people are fascinating, and everyone is likable*.
Defining success as expressing yourself is empowering—because even failing is beneficial: you become more aware of when you’re not being yourself.
Do a brief audit right now on what you define as success. How much of what you come up with is expressive of your authentic nature, and how much is expressive of conventional achievements?
To successfully expressing yourself,
Tom
*One of my favorite quotes is attributed to Abraham Lincoln: ”I do not like that man. I must get to know him better.”