How to say a better “thank you”
When was the last time you thought about how you say “thanks”? If you’re like most people, you probably say it automatically. Someone holds the door open for you: “thanks!” Someone compliments your outfit: “thank you.” Someone helps you with a task at work: “I appreciate it!”
We’re so accustomed to responding with these short phrases of acknowledgment that we rarely pause to consider the emotion underneath the words. We miss something so powerful that—with a little shift in focus and language—can transform our relationships and improve our wellbeing.
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Gratitude is a powerful, other-focused positive emotion with implications for our health and wellbeing. Those who experience gratitude report greater life satisfaction and happiness and less negative affect (1). Experiences of gratitude have also been linked to greater physical health (2) and more resilience during stressful life events (3)—hello, COVID!
But beyond the benefits to ourselves, research also tells us that gratitude has profound effects on our relationships.
Sara Algoe’s theory of gratitude argues that the emotion helps us to find new relationship partners, remind us of current relationships, and bind us together even more strongly (4). In romantic couples, expressions of gratitude are associated with greater feelings of love (5) and satisfaction (6). Among friends, gratitude is linked to greater reports of closeness and liking toward one another (7). And when experienced in the context of a team, gratitude encourages greater sharing, paving the way for creativity to flourish (8).
What’s more, recent research has shown that you don’t even have to be the one experiencing or receiving gratitude to benefit from the emotion. Simply observing another person saying “thank you” to someone else may alter how you perceive and behave toward both people, making you more likely to help and want to affiliate with each (9).
But here’s the big lesson of the research that most people don’t know: we miss many of the benefits of a thank you by failing to express it fully!
The “thanks” that make the strongest impact on our relationships are those that emphasize the qualities of the person toward which you feel grateful. So, if you want your gratitude to make a real positive impact, be sure to put the “you” in “thank you!”
For example, if a teammate helps you put together a document for an upcoming presentation, don’t just thank them for the work they did, reflect on what the behavior says about them. Rather than saying, “Thank you for helping with the presentation—great charts!” consider, “Thank you for helping with the presentation. It was generous of you to spend the time on it, especially with everything else you’re juggling. The charts you added really showcase your creativity and took the presentation to the next level.” This simple shift to focus on the qualities of the person you’re thanking will take your “thank you” from a basic acknowledgment to an opportunity for deeper connection.
Expressing gratitude in this way might feel a little uncomfortable at first. That’s okay! Gratitude is, by its very nature, a vulnerable emotion. It requires a certain degree of humility—a recognition that someone else has helped you or done something kind for you. If you find yourself having a hard time making the shift, try easing yourself into it, adding a little more gratitude and a little more praise at a time. What’s important is that it feels and comes across as genuine.
Now you try!
What is something someone has done for you recently for which you feel grateful? Why not tell them? Grab a card or write an email and let them know what they mean to you.
Want to take gratitude to the team-level? Try infusing it into your recurring meetings in the form of a round-robin ritual. Dedicate a few minutes at the beginning or end of your meetings to invite everyone to share what (or whom) they’re feeling grateful for. Consider introducing a physical component to the ritual by having everyone drop a marble into an empty glass for each expression of gratitude they offer. Keep the glass in a place that’s visible to the team so they can be reminded of their gratitude throughout the week. Once you meet again, empty the glass and start anew.
Not ready to share your gratitude with others? That’s alright, too. Get some practice identifying and articulating your experience of gratitude with a daily journaling exercise. Check out this article by Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center for tips to get started.
With love and gratitude,
Laura Kurtz, PhD
(1) Watkins, P. C., Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2004). Gratitude and subjective well-being
(2) Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: Experimental studies of gratitude and subjective well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.
(3) Algoe, S. B., & Stanton, A. L. (2012). Gratitude when it is needed most: Social functions of gratitude in women with metastatic breast cancer. Emotion, 12(1), 163.
(4) Algoe, S. B. (2012). Find, remind, and bind: The functions of gratitude in everyday relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(6), 455-469.
(5) Algoe, S. B., Kurtz, L. E., & Hilaire, N. M. (2016). Putting the “you” in “thank you” examining other-praising behavior as the active relational ingredient in expressed gratitude. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(7), 658-666.
(6) Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13(4), 605.
(7) Algoe, S. B., Haidt, J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Beyond reciprocity: Gratitude and relationships in everyday life. Emotion, 8(3), 425.
(8) Pillay, N., Park, G., Kim, Y. K., & Lee, S. (2020). Thanks for your ideas: Gratitude and team creativity. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 69-81.
(9) Algoe, S. B., Dwyer, P. C., Younge, A., & Oveis, C. (2020). A new perspective on the social functions of emotions: Gratitude and the witnessing effect. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(1), 40.